Today, we’re going on Zombie Apocalypse Training. You read that right. The way I see it, you have two choices, you can join the ranks of the undead or get busy living. Or at least die trying.

A colourful collection of zombie games, films and TV shows points to a grim apocalyptic future. In fact, I’ll be happy to commit mass murder, genocide, zombicide, the deliberate mass destruction of the living impaired. I’m unsure of the political status of zombies, so may occasionally refer to them as the living impaired, the undead, or the Z word. Either way, the dead don’t discriminate.

Not so successful axe throwing at zombies
Not so successful axe throwing at zombies

Even the Pentagon has a plan, citizens of the Unites States are well armed to bug out with their backpack, go basic and be barbaric against the living impaired. The UK, perhaps not so much. After sticking the kettle on, British citizens would be expected to defend themselves against the undead horde by throwing whatever kitchen utensil they had handy, teaspoon, cake knife, swiftly followed by an apology. If feeling particularly aggrieved against the inconsiderate lack of queuing by the undead, a loud tut under the breath might suffice.

Britain is not exactly renowned for its proliferation of arms, except those you are born with, maybe you could fetch the rusty old air rifle of your youth from the shed, if its not too rainy that this. So perhaps Britons would find it beneficial to train with weapons of old, arrows and an axe. Remarkably, this is the same equipment needed for survival after the Battle of Brexit Britain. In reality, our zombie apocalypse training is a blend of air rifle, axe throwing and archery.

Throwing the Axe… chucking away the weapon that could keep us alive

First up in our zombie apocalypse training is axe throwing. The Danish axe in the hands of a skilled warrior is a mighty fine weapon, in the hands of a novice, it’s an unscheduled missile strike gone wrong. Diplomatically, it does not go that well, in other words, we may have managed to chuck the very weapons for our own survival away by missing the approaching target. It’s not as easy as it looks, we tried with axes, spades and knives and did not get any easier. If our efforts matched those of the Anglo Saxons against the might of the Vikings, then its no wonder they stayed. They must have practised, and at this rate it looks like the army of darkness are here to stay.

Guns, Guns, Guns

Moving on, we take our turn to the guns. The last time we dabbled with guns was in Krakow where we gained some instant macho swagger, firing proper guns and proper bullets. Today is a rather more sedate affair using an air rifle, although the principles are marksmanship stay the same, i.e. you just need to hit the bloody target. Crap shot or crack shot, we’ve got some excuses lined up just in case we are as bad at this as we are at axe throwing. Rifle in hand with a finger intimately close to the trigger, and with the eye of the tiger, we wait to see if we can hit a bullseye or a barn door. Thankfully there’s some moderate success and I’m confident we can remove the head or destroy the brain with a precision strike that only trained snipers could achieve. No idea where a gun shop might be though.

Sam gets medieval with zombies using a crossbow
Sam gets medieval with a crossbow

Getting medieval with a Crossbow

While the ravaging pandemic of the zombie horde throws it weight against the living, we must turn to the tools of the past and employ the medieval machine gun, or in our case, the silent sniper rifle, the crossbow. Once banned by the Pope, using it during the ban meant the damnation of your soul, this sounds ideal for use against the walking dead. The crossbow does make a nice meaty thud as 12 inches of bolt buries itself deep into your target. As long as they come along in single file anyway. At a rate of three crossbow bolts a minute, it’s going to take time against a potential 6 billion shuffling sacks of meat.

The zombie apocalypse training at Blythe Activity Centre has given us some preparation and now we must return to reality and face the current zombies of the world. The iZzombies shuffling along, phone in hand, headphones on. mesmerised by a screen as they stumble in to you. The uncaring corporate zombies, trapped by the photocopier, your only means of escape is to sever the head by inflicting a serious papercut with a piece of A4 paper. With our new found skills, we might just make it through the working week and beyond into the apocalypse. If not, at least we’ll wake up in the morning with the dawn of the dead.

Author

Nick Cook. Amateur astronomer, space, history, nerd, extreme dog walker, cat slave, severe tinnitus sufferer. 13.7 billion years in the making - not that much better for it.

4 Comments

  1. Ha! Love this post.
    If you get the chance, I highly recommend Max (son of Mel) Brooks’ “Zombie Survival Guide”; a tongue-in-cheek but well thought out guide to surviving a hypothetical zombie apocalypse. For myself? I’m too slow and uncoordinated. I’m resigned to being zombie chow…

    • Alas, I wasn’t built for speed or skill, I too would be an early adopter to the living impaired…..

  2. Oh this did make me laugh. The day looked so much fun but I now have a visiinnof queing zombies in my head lol

    • With our lack of success of taking out zombies with axes, its fair to say they’ll be around for a few more years…….

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: