Wanting to get some relief from the hell that is surviving Christmas, we thought it might be an idea to head to the Nottingham Winter Wonderland, have a few drinks and a bite to eat etc, experience one of those magical Christmas moments together. So we ended up going ice skating on the mini ice rink. Turned out to be more like suffered in pain together.

Strapping on a pair uncomfortable boots, we take to the ice with a series of involuntary jerking movements that could easily be mistaken for an avant-garde dance troupe. Each step jarring an unknown muscle as we twitch and twist introducing another level of pain. An attempt to recreate Nottingham’s famous ice skating duo of Torvill and Dean does not go to well. Let’s just say that they’re not in danger of handing in their medals back any time soon.

Turns out ice skating is the hardest thing on the planet, Bambi on ice is an understatement. Went down harder on that ice than a Tonya Harding hammer party on Nancy Kerrigan’s knee (yes one of the falls is on the YouTube video). The whole of Nottingham heard the thud and a collective “oooohh are ye allright duck” echoed as as they looked to the crater hole from where I landed. I’d like to say it gets easier but the only thing I learned was how to smash into the barriers to stop.

This is how old people die, you hear about old people dying from falls all the time. That’s us, but at 47 (47 isn’t old yeah?). Bodies don’t age gracefully and we fall with as much grace as a brick through glass, my body nearly shatters as 16 stones of awesomeness hits the ice with such magnitude that a nuclear winter is nearly brought upon us.

We’ve since learned that this Friday we are in town has come to be known as Black Eye Friday on account of the number of injuries that take place on this day and fill up A&E. We’ve got scrapes and bruises of such beautiful colouring it could mistaken for modern art. I’m surprised we haven’t filled up A&E with not just our own injuries, but those of others we took out on our falls, in some case nearly wiping out whole families, not always deliberately. Except those kids who thought it was smart to skate 1mm away from my splayed out fingers. Then it probably was.

Author

Nick Cook. Amateur astronomer, space, history, nerd, extreme dog walker, cat slave, severe tinnitus sufferer. 13.7 billion years in the making - not that much better for it.

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